Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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