The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
