I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
