My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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