oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
