the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was confusing and full of hummus
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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