I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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