Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
