Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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