These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
