Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just invented taco cereal.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
