I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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