Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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