when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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