i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
