i was born a porn star she said
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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