we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
