at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
