i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
