why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
