I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
