I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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