I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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