oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
this beer tastes like vomit already
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
