if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
