today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
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Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
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I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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