i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
