Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
