Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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