Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
