Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
