My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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