There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
