thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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