I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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