Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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