Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
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Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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