I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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