if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
