My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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