dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he laminated a picture of his dick.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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