If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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