Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
