omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I need water and some morals
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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