and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
