Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
