So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
