non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
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want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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