I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
