a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
