Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
