In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
