i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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